Women 101: As Told By a Guy

If there's one thing all of us can agree on, it's that we feel that we know almost NOTHING about what it takes to make the opposite sex majorly fond of us.

I'll start by laying it out for you guys, in a blunt, honest way. Women have vaginas. That means, they hold the power in this world. While many men may run countries, businesses, or are the star of their sports team, they're nothing without the vagina. Ever heard of "Power of the Pink"? This means just that. The pink, small little hole in a woman's crotch can solve world wars, relieve headaches, and cure illnesses. It's the reason you ditch your friends, it's the reason you text that girl at 4 am after the bars. It's the reason your penis is shaped how it is, and it's the reason why the world exists.

This list is to educate my fellow guys about the Dos and Don'ts of women. Now, I'm not the Garden of Endless Womenology, but, all of what you are about to read is true. I've been through relationships that have lasted 15 hours, 6 months, 4 years, and everything in between. I've had my number blocked, my social media sites blocked, communication ended, all from upsetting a woman. I've been slapped, I've been sworn at, I've been told I'm the worst human alive. Eventually, all of what I heard made me who I am today. I'm not perfect, but I fully understand women, and know how important and amazing they are. I've also had many heart-to-hearts with girls who've been abused, raped, roofied, broken up with, shunned, hated on, and anything else you can think of.

You girls have TOUGH lives. I apologize for all my fellow guys and their behavior. But, please remember, deep down inside, most of us haven't got a clue as to what we are supposed to do to make you happy. And, that's all we want. ALL of us guys have that one girl who we adore, and would do anything for. We just don't know how to start it off...

So, without further adieu, here's a list of Dos and Don'ts for Women. Told by a guy. And yes, ladies, I am single :).

1. STOP getting so jealous all the time. That's the biggest turnoff for any woman.
2. She already has a pussy. She doesn't need another one.
3. Pizza, Chipotle, Cheeseburgers. It's as simple as that.
4. Girls like money. Everyone does. But, girls like shit that you make or create WAY more than anything you can buy.
5. Let them go out with their friends. Dudes will hit on her, stare at her tits, maybe rub her ass a little "on accident", and probably buy her drinks at the same time. But, she's coming over and sucking YOUR dick afterwards. So, get over it.
6. Use a deodorant and anti-perspirant in one. Old Spice. And, use their body wash. Stop smelling like anything other than clean.
7. Fine NEVER means fine.
8. Show her off and make her feel as important as you tell her she is. You know those dudes who #WCW on Instagram? Yeah, those guys get their faces sat on. That's what you want.
9. Stop being a douche all the time. Smile.
10. It doesn't matter how many dudes she was with before you. It doesn't matter what she did with those dudes. It doesn't matter that you may now be vagina brothers with one of your guy friends because he was with her at some point. You were also with other women. Don't be a tool, fool.
11. Go down on her. Think of how great having a mouth on your dick feels. Yeah, they feel the same way about their vaginas. The G-Spot is in, and "up", you'll feel it. It's kind of "squishy" feeling. Lick her clit at the same time. Small circles, then slow circles. Be a fucking man.
12. Be dominant. Fuck her like a pornstar. DO IT!
13. She has fantasies, and wants, just like you do. Find out what they are. Has she secretly always wanted to be tied up during sex? Does she want another girl in the room one time? Find out, and then make her fantasies a reality.
14. If you often ask her "is everything OK?" STOP.
15. Shave your pubes. And balls. And grundle. That shit literally smells like asshole.
16. If she starts telling you about her night, or a past story, and at the slightest mention of another dude, you get pissed, FUCKING STOP! She will NEVER FEEL SAFE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT ANYTHING EVER AGAIN!
17. If she mentions a dude's name, stop worrying. If it was anything important, or she was into him, she wouldn't have ever brought his name up to you.
18. Start planning shit. If she asks where you're going to eat, please, do not say "You pick, I could care less." Asking for her input, or saying, "I've narrowed it down to 2 places, do you prefer one or the other?" is good as well. But, seriously dude, put a little effort in.
19. Men need to start acting like men more often. Guess what? We are the ones who carry shit, put shit together, clean shit up, move shit around, and sometimes fuck shit up. We have muscles, we're rough, we're rugged. She likes watching you do things too. It's sexy to her.
20. Do the fucking dishes so she doesn't have to. Then when she comes home, she'll be so happy that she'll fuck you on the kitchen counter. True story.
21. Have a life other than her. Be occupied. If you hung with your friends every Friday before you met her, keep doing that. If you went to the gym with your best friend nightly, keep doing that. Let her breathe, and miss you.
22. Include her in things you do. That may seem counter-productive to what I said in Tip 20, but, she will want to hang with you when you're with your friends eventually. So, introduce her to the herd, mostly all girls I've hung out with got along really well with my friends. However, pick the time and place. Sometimes, it's "Guys Only" just like it's "Girls Only".
23. Talk to her. Don't listen to the guys who say "ignore her, she will love it deep down inside." Those guys haven't seen a vagina in years, and live in their parent's basement. If you ignore a girl, she'll get bored and peace on your ass. You can play hard to get, it's flirty for a bit. But, man up and own it sooner than later.
24. Don't swear so much. Most girls I know say "fuck" every other sentence. However, you sound like an ignorant bastard when you're the loudest guy at the bar swearing every 10 seconds.
25. Stop making her get on top all the time.
26. Always keep a good report with previous hookups/relationships. Girls talk. ALL of them. Even if you didn't know they conversed, they do.
27. WOMEN REMEMBER EVERYTHING! They'll even remember what color shoes you were wearing when you said/did whatever you said/did.
28. Dick pics are only OK if they've been requested. You sending a pic of your dick hanging over the sink in your mom's bathroom is not making her horny. Sorry.
29. Never, never, NEVER demean her. NEVER talk down to her and don't you dare do it around your friends or in public. She'll think you're a psycho, and a dick. She will lose all respect for you. She WILL stab you in your sleep that night.
30. Also, stop asking her to sext you. In a long distance relationship, or when you're both drunk and feeling mutually horny, completely understandable. However, at 3:09 PM on a fucking Tuesday, she doesn't want to go back and forth sexting you. Girls are visual, hands-on people. They don't usually get themselves off from reading a text on their phone.
31. NEVER look through her phone. Insecure? Then why are you dating her?
32. Let her wear what she wants. Oh, her ass is big in those jeans? Her cleavage in that top is gonna have everyone looking straight at tits all night? You don't like when she wears heels? Too bad. She's hot, get the fuck over it. Her hotness is probably what initially attracted you to her. Let her be her hot self whenever she damn well pleases. She'll come home afterwards and be even hotter for you.
33. For fuck's sake, if she lets you come on her, aim your dick properly!! Keep it away from her hair. Keep it away from her eyes. And, give her a little heads up by letting her know your dick is going to erupt jizz from it. If not, she will fucking kick your dick. If she has to wash her hair, I'd expect to sleep on the couch for a while.
34. Stop saying "Daddy Issues" like you know what you're talking about. Her dad wasn't around as much as he should have been, so that's why she is how she is? Partially, maybe. But, it's not the reason she wants you to pull her hair and slap her ass while plowing her from behind. You like a fucktard when you say "Daddy Issues."
35. Stop being so scared of her vagina on her period. If she's in for you to play around down there while her river runs red, DO IT! Most girls that have wanted me to fuck them on their periods were the most wild during that time period. And, me shoving my dick in there shortened the period that week. Fuck that pussy, dude!
36. If she wants anal, she'll tell you. "What if I just slide it in on accident?" Don't ever ask that, it's stupid. The only way anything could slide into an ass easily, "accidentally," is if it were the size of a finger. See what you did there, fingerdick?
37. "Can we film ourselves having sex?" Some girls will be in to this eventually. Learn to fuck first. XVideos won't be impressed with your 3 minutes of horribleness. Neither will she.
38. Jerk off multiple times a day. Work your prostate.
39. Keep your dick clean, and get regular doctor checkups. If you fuck without condoms, get checked more often. It's no difficult to stay safe and healthy while still having an active sex life.
40. Why do girls hate the way your jizz tastes? Because of what you eat and drink. Eating Taco Bell and drinking Mountain Dew is gonna make your spunk taste like nothing she ever wants to experience again. Drink some water, eat healthy, eat fruit, exercise. More water, cleaner jizz, MORE jizz, bigger loads, and she won't be so "ew" about it.
41. Stop lying about your dick size. 95% of girls do not, will not, and have not ever had the ambition to fuck a 13" dick that's 4" around anyway. The thought of their vaginas ripping in half doesn't get girls horny. Stop being so scared. Let that dick out, she'll love it.
42. When you pick her up at her house, make sure you keep your windows in the car rolled up. They spend time on their hair, and your windows being open FUCKS IT UP in the first 10 seconds. If you have a convertible, admit that you like dudes, and go on with that.
43. That's all for now. Respect women, guys. You'll get laid more. And you'll understand women WAY more. And, you'll get laid more.